Feeling Broken

In April of 2017 I found myself in the emergency room with crippling back pain. I had never felt pain so extreme, could barely walk and had absolutely no idea what the problem was. I felt like I should have an extravagant story of how I hurt myself and all I could say was, “I bent over to look  in the refrigerator.” I was diagnosed with sciatica and left the hospital with some muscle relaxers and exercises. My back has never been the same.

I feel broken.

In November of 2017 while at a conference I thought to myself, “this is a weird headache.” When it returned the next day and the day after that, I began to worry. Three months passed with daily “weird headaches” and I was finally diagnosed with cluster headaches. I now have a prescription and a ray of hope, but it was a draining three months.

I feel broken.

Often lately, I feel broken – not spiritually, but physically. I feel like I can’t catch a break and when I get one issue under control another pops up. I feel far older than I should, guilty for not performing at 100% and simply tired of not feeling well.

I’ve realized that spiritual brokenness and physical brokenness are similar in needing the same thing – faith in a God who cares.

I want to wallow in my sadness. I want to be comforted by fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies or   an ice cream sundae.

I want to be comforted.

Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and ice cream sundaes are temporary comforts followed quickly by guilt. Comfort from our Heavenly Father is filling and lasting.

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. – Deuteronomy 31:8

Often my feeling of brokenness is exasperated by feeling alone; feeling as if no one understands. Thankfully, we have a God who can fill that void. A God who promises to go before us, always be with us.

We have a God who comforts.

As the wise always say, “this too shall pass” and I’ll soon be looking back on my time of brokenness thanking God for seeing me through. As I am in the midst, however, I need to keep my eyes on the one who deserves the praise, thanking him for this moment. Thanking Him for being with me even when I’m swallowed by self-pity.

Whether you’re in a high, a low, spiritual brokenness, physical brokenness or somewhere in between, I pray for you. I pray you’ll feel the presence of a God who cares, the encouragement of a God who never leaves you and the courage of a God who will not forsake you.

I feel broken, but I am a child of the King, of a God who comforts, and all is well with my soul.

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