My son and I had a rough summer. His emotional regulation was way out of whack, his anxiety was through the rough and the summer was a roller coaster of Mommy guilt and tears.
Mid summer we had a medication adjustment and when that showed little results, we had another. In the past we’ve had some adverse medication reactions so any adjustment always brings fear.
We seem to be on an upswing with things and I’m hopeful we have found the right time and dosage combination. I’m hopeful we’ll reach a point of ‘normalcy’. A point where he can function in society, in a group, in general.
He has recently acquired a terrible fear of bugs and I’m not talking about the “oh I’m a little scared, run screaming away from a bee” fear. I’m talking a “I can’t function or think of anything else aside from bugs” fear. It’s debilitating for him and heart breaking to watch.
We were at a church picnic last weekend and spent the majority of our afternoon convincing him he was safe. We thought we were making progress and he could handle being outside for more than 10-15 minutes, but we were wrong.
The worst part is we have plans to go camping this weekend. Camping with bugs for three days would be an impossible task with recent behaviors. So, I had to make the executive decision to leave him out.
I had to make the decision to leave my son out of a family event.
My heart is broken.
I know he will have an amazing weekend with his grandmother and I know I have made the correct choice. I know he could not have handled the change in routine, change in scenery, numerous strangers and extensive amount of time outside. Even knowing those things, I feel horrible.
I want my son to be able to enjoy what we enjoy as a family. I want my son to feel safe in his body, his environment. There is a struggle every day, but I want my son to feel capable, know he’s able to control his body and emotions.
Having a child with special needs is an adventure in and of itself, on top of the already crazy ride of parenthood. Having a child with special needs highlights your weaknesses and tests your patience in ways you didn’t know possible. Having a child with special needs opens your eyes to loving through difficulty and finding joy in the little things and moments.
Being a mother to a child with special needs requires an additional handbook. Unfortunately, just as you didn’t receive the first handbook, I’ve never seen the second. I do my best every day and still fail miserably often.
As I lay my head down this evening with a heavy heart because I had to make a tough mommy call, I praise God. I’m so grateful for my son who shows me new ways to do things and has shown me perseverance and creativity in abundance.
Sometimes it feels too much for my mommy heart, but as soon as I think it, I know how wrong I am. God has entrusted me with this precious boy and these tough decisions. God answered my prayers with this quirky child of mine and these tough mommy decisions are blessings derived from answered prayers.
If you find yourself facing a tough mommy decision, look to the One who entrusted you with your precious children. Believe in the strength your almighty Father provides and know your momma heart overflows with His love.