The Dreaded Question

When we opened our home again for foster care, our intent was foster only. It was a very different feeling from our original opening when our hearts were set on adoption. Although we both agreed we were not closed to another adoption, it was not our goal. 

Since the arrival of our precious baby girl in October, this has plagued the back of our minds. Being the only home, the only people, this beautiful baby has known in her life, will we really be able to say no if the time came? Celebrating her return back to family is one thing, but are we really able to send her to strangers? 

We have wept over the wondering, prayed over the possibilities. We’ve had countless conversations and the reality is … we still have no idea what our stance is. 

We don’t know if baby girl is our forever or our for now. 

Every day we spend time in contemplation and we feel no closer to an answer than we did the day before. We thought we had time on our side – she’s only four months old after all – but recently, the dreaded question was asked. 

Would you be willing to be her permanent home? 

Would we? We had to ask for time to think on it and that alone makes me feel guilty. We’re instantly asked, “don’t you love her” or “don’t you want to keep her”. Of course the answer to both of those is a resounding yes, but it’s not as simple as that. 

We love her so tremendously and that’s exactly why we have to put serious thought into our answer. Is our home her forever or are we just the in between? 

We need prayers as we navigate this new uncharted territory. We’ve never been in this situation before. We’re not sure what to do here. 

God called us to foster again, but did he call us to adopt again? Why do I feel so guilty with the thought of following God’s specific call? 

My heart is aching and mind reeling. This is real. This is raw. This is foster care. 

4 thoughts on “The Dreaded Question

  1. We are foster parents now for 8plus years. We again had a case where we were asked to adopt. This case is a 7yr old girl who has some behavior issues. She has thrived in our home and has turned a lot around. The lawyer asked me again, would you not adopt her? She fits perfectly here. I have been struggling with this as well. I told her in the last four cases we have helped with we were asked to adopt 2 sets. I was torn then as well, but my husband and i decided we were called to foster so we declined and God opened the perfect door for both situations. If we had adopted then we would not have been available for our current sweet 7yr old who needed our structure, routine, to reset her life. As we face parental rights being terminated, I know we can find her the perfect forever home. A home not called to foster but to adopt. A home needing the transition time already complete, but willing to support her in the long haul of life.
    Then we will be able to help another sweet one when they have no safe place to be. This is our story. Prayers for you and your family as you decide. May wisdom and discernment be given to you and your husband beyond measure.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing. It’s such an interesting position to be in and although I know it’s not true, it almost feels like failing the children if we chose not to adopt. It’s confirming and encouraging to hear stories like yours! Thank you!

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  2. Tips on trying to discern “What next?” with the baby.

    Christian scholars through the centuries have been trying to give us advise on how to figure out what God wants us to do in situations that require a decision.

    Guideline 1: you can only discern the next step – you cannot discern the final outcome at the front-end.
    So don’t get all balled up try to ‘crystal ball’ it too far into the process. Just work on “What is my very next step?” (Oh – DON’T use a crystal ball – use prayer.)

    Guideline 2: understand that there will be a next step… and there will be a time that another decision has to be made. You will know when that is.

    First step – agreed to foster the baby for now.
    Next step – now being called for to answer the Agency’s question about keeping her. You want to ask questions like “Is there a reason you need to know that now?” “Do you have someone in mind to whom you want to place the baby?” etc.

    Of course you have all those concerns about giving her up to strangers. At this age, and for a few years, she’ll adapt just fine if that happens.
    And what about the children for whom we’re already caring? and how many teen-agers do we think we can parent together? (More might not be fair to you two, or the other 4, or to the one who is now a baby.)

    God will lead . and He will be caring and compassionate and He will not expect too much of you. He know your limits for His desires.

    Love you two to heaven and back… and so does HE.

    Uncle Jim

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  3. We are in the same boat & just trying to trust God’s plan & praying for clarity. Loved this post.
    BTW- We have the same name, foster babes just days apart (I think based on your posts), and I also live in the same area! I’ll be praying for you. Angela (fosterloveblog.com)

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