When we opened our home again for foster care, our intent was foster only. It was a very different feeling from our original opening when our hearts were set on adoption. Although we both agreed we were not closed to another adoption, it was not our goal.
Since the arrival of our precious baby girl in October, this has plagued the back of our minds. Being the only home, the only people, this beautiful baby has known in her life, will we really be able to say no if the time came? Celebrating her return back to family is one thing, but are we really able to send her to strangers?
We have wept over the wondering, prayed over the possibilities. We’ve had countless conversations and the reality is … we still have no idea what our stance is.
We don’t know if baby girl is our forever or our for now.
Every day we spend time in contemplation and we feel no closer to an answer than we did the day before. We thought we had time on our side – she’s only four months old after all – but recently, the dreaded question was asked.
Would you be willing to be her permanent home?
Would we? We had to ask for time to think on it and that alone makes me feel guilty. We’re instantly asked, “don’t you love her” or “don’t you want to keep her”. Of course the answer to both of those is a resounding yes, but it’s not as simple as that.
We love her so tremendously and that’s exactly why we have to put serious thought into our answer. Is our home her forever or are we just the in between?
We need prayers as we navigate this new uncharted territory. We’ve never been in this situation before. We’re not sure what to do here.
God called us to foster again, but did he call us to adopt again? Why do I feel so guilty with the thought of following God’s specific call?
My heart is aching and mind reeling. This is real. This is raw. This is foster care.