No One Prepared Me For This

No one prepared me for this.

I took ten weeks of training to become a mom and yet I feel so unprepared for what comes with this journey.

How do you comfort your ten year old when they’re sobbing for a mom they never knew?

How do you answer questions like “would she still be alive if she didn’t do drugs”?

How do you hold back the tears as the child you’ve raised since birth cries because they miss their mom. They miss their mom.

Not me, but the woman who carried them for nine months. Not the woman who changed countless diapers and fed more bottles than she can count, but the woman whose DNA runs through their veins.

Not me, but the woman who knew him from the very first moment of life. Not the woman who wiped away tears and banished monsters from under the bed, but the woman who will always hold the title of “first”.

No one prepared me for this.

No one prepared me for the array of emotions that tear through my heart. From sympathy to sadness, anger to hurt.

No one prepared me to have my heart broken into a million pieces time and again.

This journey is hard. Plain and simple. From the goodbyes to the what-ifs, the difficulty comes in waves and levels, some I’m utterly unprepared for.

Even having come to us from the hospital, our children suffer significant loss that we’ll never be able to fully erase. Even being the only parents they’ve ever physically known, our children have a longing for what’s missing.

No one prepared me for this.

2 Comments on “No One Prepared Me For This

  1. They have a loss for someone they didn’t know. They have a lifetime of love, joy, grace, fun, laughter, tears, and memory-making with you and Mark. They ache for the “first.” Yet they have the best parents ever. You have built such amazing relationships with them evidenced by them being able to share such vulnerable feelings. You demonstrate God’s love bc you listen and love even when it hurts. You may not feel prepared for this, but my friend, you were designed for this! You are such an amazing mom. I learn so much from you. I am inspired by you. I love you, Mark and the kids. I’m praying that God feels extra close during this time. ❤️😘


  2. HE did…
    HE pre-knew you … and them … and HE prepared both of you …
    …and HE is how you made it through this far
    …and HE (through you) is how they will make it through, too.
    Uncle Jim


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